Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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