20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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