Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
