just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
