ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
