I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
