also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize