I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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