He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
