Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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