are you so shy because you have an std?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
