I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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