I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
