I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
