I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
