my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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