I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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