two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
