omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize