I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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