So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
