I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize