i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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