The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
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