If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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