I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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