I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
