he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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