i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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