I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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