Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
