I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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