So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
