I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He? As in you personified your dick?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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