Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Randomize
