He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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