So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
