Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
