you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he thought i was a dude.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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