Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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