from now on my penis is your penis
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
