i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
So much rum. So many feels.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
