I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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