i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize