I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
