shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
