Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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