yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
