I met the friendliest cop last night
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
