you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
