I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
How does one acquire holy water?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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