I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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