The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
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