don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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