your parents love me but you hate me
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
