Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
