you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
