Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
