a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Randomize
